I have went on many runs in my life, with an explicit desire to escape my current situation. There were some runs where I was trying to separate myself from another person or conversation. Other times I was hoping to alleviate the uncomfortable conversations within my mind.
In nearly all cases, what I really wanted to happen, was to bend reality such that when I stopped running all the problems would have disappeared. I can say, with confidence, that I was never successful. There were occasions that a run allowed me to cope more effectively. I was even able to gain perspective in some cases, but I never changed the reality I was trying to escape.
There are other activities I have used to try and change reality, such as: going to bed, drinking too much, moving away, and obsessing over Husker sports.
Some of those efforts were fun, others were destructive, but yet again, none of them changed the nature of reality.
In my devotion today, Father Mike Schmitz was talking about the judgement of Jesus before Pilate in Matthew 27. In the reflection he shared the phrase, "Acceptance is not approval".
He then shared the following three points to be made about this perspective:
- Taking this perspective allows you to acknowledge that 'This is not good'
- You can also know that 'I do not want this. I would not seek this out on my own.'
- And, while this is not good and I do not want it, it still has come to me.
Just this week I was talking to Joe, my therapist, about a need to have control. I described it as having a need to be the master of my own universe. That need has caused a lot of pain and sorrow in my life, but through that I have learned that being in control is simply an illusion.
I clearly have impact and say in how my life proceeds, however there are other people and forces that also have impact and say, whether I choose to accept it or not.
It took more than 40 years for me to accept that I am a passenger along this journey, as much as I am the captain.
Why would I want to be the captain? I have proven, across many varied adventures, that I am not an excellent captain anyway.
Through all of this I do feel empowered. Empowered to take on hardship, challenges and momentary chaos, because accepting those realities does not mean I have to approve of them.
Maybe the next time I feel compelled to go for a run to escape reality, I will be more willing to run as a celebration of the challenge and what I might gain from enduring it.